


The Purge

by Watashi_wa_Okami



Series: Oneshots no one asked for [6]
Category: Gintama
Genre: Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst and Feels, Except Gintoki's the Main Character, Family Issues, Family Secrets, Gintoki Doesn't Want Help, Gintoki had a Family, Gintoki is an Angsty Boy, Gintoki just wants to rest, Gintoki needs a hug, Gintoki's Past Comes Up, Katsura Messed Up, Not Canon Compliant, Pre-Canon, Questioning, Questions, Sad Gintoki, They have to Fix the Mess, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, What Happened to Gintoki's Family, but he needs it, exploration of, okay i'm done, so He Fixes Everything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:54:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27126827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Watashi_wa_Okami/pseuds/Watashi_wa_Okami
Summary: Gintoki gets too drunk and says too much. He doesn't wanna spend half the fic figuring out what these idiots know!Except, they know too much and he can't let it slide when they just won't stop with the looks. But why is he the one that has to put everything back together again when he's the Humpty Dumpty?
Relationships: Hijikata Toshirou & Kondou Isao & Okita Sougo, Hijikata Toshirou & Sakata Gintoki, Kagura & Sakata Gintoki, Kagura & Sakata Gintoki & Shimura Shinpachi, Katsura Kotarou & Sakata Gintoki, Okita Sougo & Sakata Gintoki, Sakata Gintoki & Shimura Shinpachi, Sakata Gintoki & Shimura Tae
Series: Oneshots no one asked for [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1516460
Comments: 10
Kudos: 117





	1. Don't Get Drunk around People that will Interrogate You

**Author's Note:**

> Yes this is in my One-shot series. No, this is not a one-shot, but still, no one asked for this either.

Gintoki knows the drill. Really, they’ve done this too many times between large battles where everyone feared that someone wasn’t going to make it. A brother, a sister, a friend, a mentor, an innocent bystander who just _refused_ to leave (why do they do that?) This time, they all are angry at one person:

Gintoki.

He knows they’re mad at him but he just scratches his bandages with one hand and nonchalantly picks his nose with the other. They’ll get over it. But, he notices Shinpachi and Kagura stick to his side almost the whole night (almost too close. But he knows they’re being protective so he doesn’t mention how it’s suffocating him.) He sees the way Katsura’s eyes flick to him every time he takes a shot. He feels the heated glare Otae sends him when she thinks he isn’t looking. He catches the fire in Hijikata’s eyes as the man smokes his second (third?) pack of the day. And Sougo hasn’t even looked in his direction once, plus neither him nor Kagura have even tried to pick a fight (not even with each other, who are these impostors?) Kondo tries to behave as usual but Gintoki has spent a lifetime reading people to know how hard he’s faking it.

Had he really gone too far?

He didn’t see it that way. So what, he got a few things stuck in him and, yeah, there _might_ have been some poison involved. And _yeah_ the bandage around his neck feels like it should be changed soon. _And yeah_ , that all happened in front of everyone when the ‘final boss’ (he’s the main character and that makes him sound cooler) pulled out a second sword and both had guns attached while Gintoki scrambled to get an intact weapon in his hand.

But he won, isn’t that what matters?

“What’s with the tense atmosphere?” _So dumb and fake_ they all sweatdrop at Kondo. They only ever do this if there were a reason for a tense atmosphere. “Let’s play a game!” And they do.

At first, Katsura pulls out his old - and heavily bloodstained - Uno cards. But as the game goes on they quickly realize that Gintoki and Katsura have their own version of the game almost rigged for them to win. Then Gintoki wins for the fourth time (really the rules are _really_ stupid and totally rigged but Katsura nor Gintoki will bend.) When Gintoki places a _+4_ for Hijikata only to state that ‘smokers have to actually draw triple the amount,’ Hijikata slams his cards down and gets right in Gintoki’s face.

“You just made up that rule!”

“How _dare_ you accuse Gin-san at cheating his own game! Gin-san is hurt!” He cries out as if he were in a soap opera, hand to her forehead in disbelief.

“Bullshit! I’m not picking up _twelve_ friggin cards!”

“But that's the rule. Then _you’re_ the one cheating!”

“I’m not following your dumbass rule!”

“It’s not my rule!” Gintoki shoots back and the response makes Hijikata pause for a moment. “It’s Zura’s rule!” The permed man points an accusatory finger to his fellow samurai and everyone just stares at him.

“It’s not Zura, it’s Katsura.”

“Bull shit!”

“ _Zura!_ ” Gintoki whines before falling onto his back in misery. He thuds onto the ground having momentarily forgotten the wound across his back. He can't help the wince but he steadily ignores it and from his angle no one sees the distressed wrinkles at the corner of his eyes.

All is as it should be with their group of misfits.

After the fifth fight (where Katsura foolishly pulled one of their odd rules on Otae,) they stop playing Uno and the room falls into a discomforting silence. So, Gintoki takes his chance and grabs another drink.

Another card game gets started, one Gintoki isn't familiar with. So he just sits out and decides to watch and drink. And drink and drink and drink. It helps to numb the pain that the cheap meds didn’t quite reach, although honestly it’s a concept he has long been familiar with (he pretends that he’s trying to bury the physical pain under the alcohol, but the warmer his cheeks get, the more he forgets why he keeps refilling his cup.) He stops counting after… well, he never started counting. That might be his one rule about drinking.

When they call him to rejoin their circle, he grumbles at them.

"Come on, Gintoki," Katsura calls for him. There's a gleam in his eye, one that tells Gintoki he should really consider listening. So he does. But when he goes to stand, his vision spins and his knees buckle. The cup in his hand rattles against the counter, spilling onto his trembling hand before falling from the loose grip.

He falls onto the ground, _hard._ Be it thanks to the alcohol or the meds or the pain he can't be sure, it's all become a blurry mess that even Gintoki can't decipher.

He groans and fully falls as more of a puddle on the floor than a human. But they notice him press a hand to his side and he hisses out any air left in his lungs, leaving him to gasp it back and a light headedness takes over. Too much alcohol? Or maybe not enough, seeing how the pain shot straight through him and so quickly.

“Gin-san,” Shinpachi is at his side in a second. It takes the permed samurai a moment to come back to reality and by the time he does everyone is staring at him, some are even standing though Shinpachi was the one to move. Gintoki breathes through a clenched jaw before letting Shinpachi help him to sit up. He pauses like that and takes another second to assess himself.

The pain had been sharp, he's sure the wound reopened, but after a few trembling breaths it once again drifts into a background numbness. He opens both eyes and turns an unfocused gaze onto the young boy.

“Eh? Glasses? - no Ma! I don’ wanna wear glasses, you can’t make me!” He cries out against Shinpachi’s indignant ‘ _Oi!_ ’ But Shinpachi still helps Gintoki to the circle, even though the samurai refuses to put too much weight on the boy. But he’s also too drunk to not rely on the shoulder.

“The journey bet’r ‘ave been worth it.” He complains as he tips back the abandoned shot from the counter. While it had spilled at the initial flinch and all over the counter when he dropped it, it still had some liquid left and he's never been one to leave the scraps.

“You’ll like this, Danna.” Sougo begins with a devious glint in his eye. As the night progressed, he’s come to act entirely like his normal self again. Gintoki partially wonders how his injuries had impacted the younger boy in such a way. (Vaguely, he recalls his sister and the bond the trio had shared on that odd day, how afterwards Gintoki had comforted the boy in a way that had the kid actually talking to him about the ordeal.) “The first time I beat _Hi-ji-ka-ta-san._ ” Each syllable is pronounced with such a false sweet edge that Hijikata doesn’t know whether to feel rage or fear, so he shudders in both until Kondo puts a comforting hand on his shoulder. His laughter booms in a way that throws the (ex-)joui patriots for a loop, heads spinning as they can almost picture an identical scenario of different people, Uno cards equally forgotten.

As Sougo tells of Hijikata’s defeat in the most ~~exaggeratedly humiliating~~ factual and respectful way he possibly can, Hijikata tries to intrude and set the story straight. Of course, they all prefer Sougo’s version and steadfastly ignore Hijikata.

“An’ how old were you?” Gintoki asks after wheezing out another laugh. Hijikata had made a fool of himself, being all cocky and emo-y like the thorn he is. He didn’t go easy on Sougo, but he _did_ underestimated him. So, the first thing Sougo did was pants him ~~_false_~~ and humiliated the thorny newcomer ~~_lies dammit!_~~ How Kondo convinced Hijikata to stay is beyond all of them.

And that’s how they ease into the flow of storytelling. Gintoki just sits and listens and drinks - but each time he stands, his head spins and they all stare, so he just grabs the bottle and keeps it in his lap. Shinpachi describes how Gintoki ~~got him fired~~ helped him leave his old job, the one that actually paid him. Kagura quickly jumps in to embarrass her brother, claiming he used to be a crybaby, and with him not there to defend himself they just take her word for it. Kondo tells the story of how Gintoki had beaten him, an event they can all laugh about good naturedly. After all, it had all begun because Otae had made Gintoki her fake fiance! A man she hardly knew at the time and only _really_ knew through her brother's admiration of said ~~lazy, unprofessional, dead beat~~ strong, talented, stubborn samurai. While Tae just laughs, Shinpachi bristles, ears warm and heart trembling.

“Ah, no! _Stop!_ ” Shinpachi blushes and waves his arms around wildly, trying to stop the embarrassment from persisting. They have always been the type of family (because that’s what they are, right? A family?) to resort to insults and show their love through actions, not words. And Shinpachi trusted Otae that she wouldn’t tell Gintoki all this - it would go to his head. He glances over to Gintoki for a moment but the man seems more out of it than usual, gaze lingering on his lap, on the bottle in his lap, eyes unfocused and shoulders slumped. But he shakes himself out of it (literally, like a dog,) as he realizes a few people are looking at him. When he glances towards the blushing Shinpachi he just raises a brow.

“Ara, ara, are we gon’ stop with the emb’rsing stories?” He questions with a smirk. While some of them would rather not, they obey, if only because Gintoki seems oddly adamant about it and they aren't going to fight a wounded drunk. Shinpachi can't help but send Gintoki a grateful look, and although Gintoki gives no emotional response, he isn’t surprised. He hardly does, really.

However, his words also make them fidgety, a tension Gintoki ignores as he refills his cup. Unlike the others, Katsura doesn't tear his gaze away from Gintoki, a fact that Gintoki cleanly ignores.

“Well then, how about you start?” Katsura prods with eyes narrow. Gintoki pauses, contemplative, and he peeks up at his old friend through his fringe. The room stays silent as they watch the wordless exchange, but then Gintoki finishes filling his cup and sets the bottle down.

“Hm? With what?”

“A not embarrassing story.” Gintoki then hums in thought before shaking his head and waving at the man.

“You go first, lemme think.” Katsura knows it's a lie but he also knew Gintoki would say such a thing. He doesn't pause but rather fixers his posture, gaze only leaving Gintoki so he can scan the people around them. They're people Gintoki trusts, that Katsura knows well. People that Gintoki has put his life on the line for again and again, people that he hasn't opened up to. _But he should._

“If I go then it’ll be embarrassing.”

“Fine, fine.” Again he waves the man off and sips at another drink.

Katsura's familiar with a drunk Gintoki. He's seen it all: angry drunk, depressed, contemplative, excited. All of it, and he wonders what sort this group will pull out of him. If it's depressed, he'll deal with it, but he gets the feeling that it'll be fine this time.

“Well, when we were kids, we learned that Gintoki didn’t know how to swim.” Gintoki spews the alcohol out in a snort, one that makes him cry out and cover his nose, howling about how _it burns!_ All the while glaring at Katsura.

“Fuck'n - _oww,_ " he whines, one eye open and narrowed on Katsura. "Oi, oi, that watermelon wasn’-” Gintoki tries to butt in but Hijikata sends a sharp glare.

“ _Keep going._ ” The shinsengumi’s demon commands in the same sort of way Gintoki had for Sougo's story. He's stuck, so he sags and pouts as he refills the wasted drink, grumbling all the while.

“There was a koi pond right outside the temple and Gintoki would always hang out there by the sakura tree. It was summer, so it was nice enough outside that the Sakura tree was in bloom and all the kids would hang out around the pond. Although Sensei never liked us swimming in it, he liked to take care of the koi fish.” He paints the picture cleanly, talking about the stones that led to the pond, the rock that served as a seat to small kids and the low branches that Gintoki would often sit upon.

Gintoki doesn't look at Katsura, he doesn't look at anyone. But as his gaze falls back into his lap, a smile drifts onto his face. It isn't the ghost of a smile that they often see but rather a genuine one, small and warm. He can picture it so clearly, he can feel the breeze on his skin and the bark underneath his calloused palms. He can picture his reflection distorted by the fish below and he can feel the cool water in his palms.

It makes the group pause but Katsura and Gintoki are in a world of their own. Katsura just rambles, asking if Gintoki remembers the fishes names, because he does, or mentioning how when they spent their free time around said pond, Gintoki would often climb higher in the tree and poke fun at them.

They've never seen such an expression of Gintoki's face before. He stays silent, doesn't even acknowledge Katsura's words, but his eyes drift shut and he can forget his drink, his pain, his worries for that time.

“That place sounds wonderful, Katsura-san,” Otae says in awe, eyes gleaming as she finally looks from Gintoki to the story teller. Katsura startles but shakes it off, nodding towards her and blinking back into reality. He had had a few drinks himself, having stolen some alcohol from Gintoki's claimed bottle.

“Yeah, it was.” The mood doesn't immediately dampen. Most everyone in the room is vaguely aware of the duos past, something or another happened and they are pretty sure they lost everything as a consequence. Though what it meant to lose everything is beyond them.

Gintoki's eyes flutter open and he silently gasps back into himself, head tilting up enough to scan the group and drag him back to reality. It's a forced shock and he's quick to pick up his drink. Smile long gone and old lines etching themselves into his face.

They are quick to look away, not that he had noticed their staring in the first place.

“Mm,” Gintoki grunts in acknowledgment and refills both his and Katsura's cups.

“A certain idiot always avoided the pond, so _another_ idiot decided to push him into it because Gintoki stank so badly.” It takes Gintoki a moment to process the words, realizing just who said idiots were. He pops up a brow and turns to his old friend, anger mellowed out by the alcohol but no less present.

“Oi,” Gintoki points at Katsura, “fur the record, it was right aft'r he challenged me, like, ten times! He bathed bef’re me and I was waitin’ my turn!” Katsura sends Gintoki an _ignored_ pointed look. “Stupid Bakasugi... always so... idiot, 'course his solution's to overthrow the government. Dumb Bakasugi, not thinkin...” and the words slowly fade into an angry grumble as Gintoki sits up only to cross his arms and pout. They had all assumed the third child was Takasugi, all of them being vaguely aware of the relationship between the three, however hearing such an innocent story about such a known terrorist is still odd. They've all seen him and the crazed look in his eyes, to think he had been a brash child much like Gintoki, well, they hadn't really considered it before.

“What made him turn so bad?” Kondo asks. While he knows Sougo and Hijikata don’t really care, he does. He wants to keep an eye out for it, if he can. He wants to understand what went wrong and if it can still be fixed. Because a clash between two armies spells nothing but disaster and it's his men on the line, men he loves with all his being (outside of his love for Otae, of course.) Gintoki closes his eyes again with a hum while Katsura puts his hands in his sleeves.

“Not enough strawberry milk,” Gintoki then states as he opens his eyes. “He was so short and we bullied him, it finally pushed him over the edge.” They all just stare at him for a moment before collectively shaking their heads. Had they really expected a straight forward response? Not from him, but surely from Katsura, right?

“I spoke with Takasugi when you were fighting Benizakura and-”

“Eh!” Gintoki pops his head up, mouth a wide ‘o’. “I was _injured_ and you just watched me! C’mere you _wig_ .” Gintoki scoffs with a halfhearted lunge that fails in typical _Gintama_ fashion. He's too drunk to have succeeded and Katsura's too far away for it to have to much anyway.

“So you _were_ involved in that!” Hijikata then jumps up and points an accusatory finger at the man. “I knew it!”

“Hey, I didn’ wanna be!” Gintoki shoots back harshly. "You - you put jimmy-kun on me, I knew it!" The two could keep going forever. Better to stop them before it gets out of hand, so Katsura turns to Kondo, a sigh bubbling within him at the conversation he's about to open up. And without Gintoki's permission, no less. He should ask, he knows he should, but he doesn't.

“I don’t know what happened. We started at the same place, but we always had a different path.” Katsura then pauses and his gaze drifts towards the arguing Gintoki. “Well, I guess you didn’t start in the same place as us, sometimes I forget that,” He says, eyes never straying from Gintoki as he drinks his own alcohol, pink dusted across his cheeks. Gintoki catches the words and he slowly drops out of the argument and tunes into whatever Katsura's saying. Because, while Katsura hadn’t been drinking as heavily as Gintoki, he drank enough to be loose lipped. “But you know him better.”

“Eh? _Eh?_ You throwin' me under the bus?” Gintoki groans in protest before flicking his eyes to Kondo. They’ve all had a decent amount to drink, for the most part. And so Kondo doesn’t read any of the potential warning signs there may have been (although, in his defense, Katsura would have been the only one who could read those warning signs had they shown themselves.) Gintoki heaves a heavy sigh and he can feel exhaustion creep into his joints. But then he straightens his back (just a bit, he doesn't care about posture like Katsura,) and crosses his arms.

“I want to know,” Kondo admits and Gintoki finds himself shaking his head at the dumb gorilla. He eyes the man, curious enough to entertain the conversation but his muddled mind doesn't really acknowledge just where it will lead.

“He loved Shouyou-sensei too much.” Katsura barks out a laugh, it's harsh and guttural and shocks him enough that he tries to muffle it too late. A tick mark appear on Gintoki’s temple as Katsura hides his mouth behind a hand. “What’s ‘o funny?”

“You’re saying _he_ loved sensei too much?” Katsura says and the alcohol has made his blush deepen and his lips loosen more and more. While Gintoki is far more drunk, but contemplative, a condition only Katsura is familiar with. “Then what-”

“Zura-”

“I mean, _really_ , Gintoki? You’re-”

“ _Zura-_ ” Now the warning signs are becoming obvious and Shinpachi is quick to pick up on them. He sees the sharp look in Gintoki's eyes, hears the edge that creeps towards a depressed anger that Shinpachi has dealt with only a few times. He knows that the issue with Takasugi runs deeper than he'll ever understand and it shouldn't come out like this. Beside him, Tae, who had understood Gintoki faster than himself, can sense that something's about to happen - something that Gintoki would consider 'bad.' But she knows Katsura can read Gintoki far better than anyone else in the room, even if he's a drunken idiot he's always proven to have a level of self-control that works well with Gintoki.

Except, Katsura's stuttering, gaze flicking between Gintoki, the ceiling, the floor, Kondo, too many places and the Shimura siblings realize that he isn't grounded in reality. Probably hasn't been since they fell back to the sakura tree and that koi pond.

“I mean, Gintoki, the one that cared about him the most, I mean-”

“ _Katsura._ ” Gintoki doesn’t quite yell, it’s more of a quiet but harsh tone of voice that catches the room off guard. It’s hard, like the edge of a sword Gintoki no longer wields. Cutting through them and the conversation so easily. But the glint leaves his eyes too quickly to be read and soon he looks the same as if he had never said anything. Katsura pauses for a moment, mouthing words like a fish out of water before freezing and paling as he _really_ looks at Gintoki. He jumpstarts an old memory, one he should never have been able to forget, one that he knows Gintoki never will.

His mouth forms silent words but Gintoki isn’t paying attention. What is a _sorry_ to him now?

“A-ah.” He stutters and gulps and Gintoki turns back to Kondo as if nothing happened, but underneath, his heart is beating too fast. His head is doing too much. And he can barely bring himself to breathe normally. So he drinks a bit more and the burning pain pulls him back.

(But he still sees that cliff, he still smells the aftermath of battles that clung to his skin in ash and smoke and rust. And blood, always blood that he'll never wash away.)

“Bakasugi loved sensei too much,” He states again and waits for an outburst. When Katsura says nothing, Gintoki visibly relaxes and shakes his mop head, just once, as if to sort through memories and clear his thoughts. “And sensei was taken from him,” _us_ “and... he went insane. Sensei was his everything.” Gintoki doesn’t choke the words out, they come out in the same bland tone his words always do. He even picks his nose for added effect, but they don’t buy it. None of them really do. They’ve seen him get enraged in any matters concerning any sort of mentor, authority figure, older brother. It's not the sort of rage or sadness they can forget. Not from someone so strong and steady as Gintoki always seems. If they forget for even a moment, they might think it was a fluke, and they can't have that. Not when they know Gintoki needs them. “Then throw a war into that. It’s pretty simple.” He gives another nonchalant shrug.

 _Liar_ , they all want to call him out, but that’s never a good idea. He’s in no state to go off on his own and they’re sure that, if they tried to confront him, that’s exactly what he would try to do. And considering the fact that Katsura's the only person capable of handling Gintoki in this matter has already messed up enough, they'd rather _not_ leave it to that idiot.

“Simple my ass.” Hijikata is too dignified to actually slur his words, but in his semi-drunken state he’s struggling to keep his composure. “You three...” He shakes his head and Gintoki smirks.

“We get that a lot,” He admits with a shrug. When they were a trio especially, they always got singled out as a single disruptive unit. No wonder they became legends in the war.

"Ne, Danna," Sougo speaks up, drawing the attention towards him. Gintoki's slow in shifting his gaze onto the boy. "You're the Shiroyasha-"

"Was, I _was_ the Shiroyasha," Gintoki interrupts. Because that is _not_ him. That title comes with all sorts of rumors and tales that he'd rather not follow him again, thank-you-very-much.

"Yeah, yeah. So how'd you become so badass? It happened before the war, right?” It’s not the type of question Sougo would typically ask, and in Gintoki’s drunken haze he tilts his head and creases his brows at the boys words. He can't be surprised that Sougo would know such a thing. But the fact that from the get-go of his being in the war he was terrifying isn't something he's been confronted about a lot.

He'll interrogate the kid on that later, if he isn't so drunk he forgets (he is, he _definitely_ is.)

“Strawberry milk,” He says with a straight face.

“I think we all wanna know, Gin- _chaaan_ ,” Kagura whines and the permed man scoffs at her.

“It’s kinda… terrifying,” Kondo says and both Gintoki and Katsura whip their heads towards the drunk man. “In a beautiful way.” He adds and something - although he isn’t sure what - softens. Gintoki's eyes dull from their sudden brightness and Katsura seems more thankful than tense. “I mean, you literally won a fight this week with a poisoned sword in your back,” Kondo states. When he puts it like that, it really does make Gintoki think. But only for a moment before he just shrugs.

He'd always been like that.

“Meh.”

“What do you mean _meh_ ,” Hijikata growls. “Our men train daily and you could probably come in and beat them all in a day. And you’re just a lazy, tax-evading - are you even a samurai?”

“Thanks for the praise, Oog’shi-kun. Sou’chro-kun, didja record that?” he slurs but doesn’t miss the glint in Sougo’s eye. They laugh in their sadistic way, one that makes Hijikata's hairs stand on end and a growl rumble in the back of his throat. And when had Gintoki revived that ridiculous nickname?

“Ne, ne, but what is it Danna?” Sougo prods and inches closer to the man. “Is it training a lot when young? Or just experience? Or-”

“What? You wanna replicate it?” The words come out oddly clear for how drunk he is but his eyes are still hazy, maybe even more so as he falls more into memories than reality.

Katsura eyes him, keeping tabs on whatever he thinks is happening in whatever Gintoki calls his brain. Not yet depressed, not quite, but bordering the edge.

“No, just wanna know,” Sougo admits, “I doubt it’s replicable.”

“Um, I don’t think...” Shinpachi starts, eyes flicking between the two and the oddly silent Katsura. Katsura looks back to the Shimura and Shinpachi gets the sense to not intervene. Not yet. And while he probably shouldn't trust the drunk Katsura, he does.

“You could make whatev’r story ya want.” Gintoki shrugs and picks his nose, but that obviously leaves them all unsatisfied.

“All that suspense for nothing.” Hijikata growls and Sougo purses his lips.

“Come on, Danna.”

“He's drunk enough to tell us, yes?” Kagura whispers and they can all hear it, she isn’t good at whispering, but Gintoki doesn't even look at her and his gaze remains unfocused on reality.

“Kagura! That isn’t right!” Shinpachi scolds and looks around the room, all eyes are on Gintoki, expecting something although Gintoki clearly doesn't care about what they want. They wouldn’t be surprised if he started drooling and Sougo has his phone ready just for that. Gintoki moves, enough to drink from his cup before letting his head tilt back, gaze sliding up.

“Maybe… this’ll be good,” Katsura says more to himself but the worried Shinpachi catches it. If Katsura won’t help him, he’s done for and he can't help but sigh in defeat. “But word it differently.” Katsura knows Gintoki doesn’t talk about the past, but now he has people he can trust. And if he doesn’t open up even in the slightest, then he won’t heal. Katsura breathes, forcing himself to stay calm as he's about to break Gintoki's trust. “When was your first kill?”

The questions settles in them all, making all of them wonder who there's was. For some, they haven't the blood on their hands. For the Shinsengumi, they know quite well. Hijikata, the ones that took his brother's eyes, Sougo was while he was on the force (which is surprising, but he hadn't _killed_ anyone as a kid. Just beat them to bloody pulps.) Kondo managed to avoid it until the government demanded him prove his allegiance. 

But Gintoki? If even Katsura didn't know, then who was it? _When_ was it?

“Zuraaa," Gintoki drawls, "you know that.”

“I don’t think I do," Katsura says, slowly, making sure Gintoki catches each word and has the time to process them. "A kid who hasn’t killed doesn’t carry a sword.” He’s treading on dangerous territory, Katsura knows that well. But a contemplative Gintoki can sometimes be really open. It’s a gamble he’s willing to take. And with this group, he can't imagine it'll go poorly.

Gintoki tests the idea and rolls it over in his inebriated mind. Katsura has a point, and it makes Gintoki rewind the conversation as best he can, recalling that Sougo had also asked muffled questions.

“I dunno, how old were you when we met?” While the question may be confusing and a way of avoidance, Katsura isn’t that surprised. “Twelve, ten right?” Katsura nods. It didn't take long for them to learn that Gintoki didn't know a lot about himself, and as kids he decided to just say he was a bit older than Katsura and Takasugi because... he could. It was another way to one-up Takasugi and he took the chance.

“You killed someone when you were ten?” Her question is so innocent and pure and it draws Gintoki to a stop. But Kagura shuts herself up as his unfocused gaze falls to her. His brows are drawn, alcohol fogging his mind enough that he can ignore her presence. At least, he can ignore her age, her innocence, and he recalls more the fact that she isn't quite as innocent as he may like.

But, by the devil’s liquid in his mind, he doesn’t stop. He has played the bad guy before for both kids, he doesn’t mind doing it again. He’d rather get it over with (although sober him is going to regret it, but that isn’t a drunk problem.) He drinks some more, relishing in the familiar burn and how it lightens his chest.

“Six, I think.” None of them had expected such a response. For a six year old to kill someone, that’s only possible for a complete psychopath, right? And while Gintoki can be rude and rash and all sorts of negative traits that should have them all scrambling away from him, he isn’t some sort of demon (although his history as the Shiroyasha would say otherwise.) Gintoki just drinks some more before wiping some snot on the oblivious Hijikata. “Yeah. Tha sounds right.”

“Did they hurt your pet? Your family? That’s what Kamui would do, although he wouldn’t kill them. But I guess if no one stopped him, he would’ve, yes?” Gintoki tilts his head back and forth as though it were a weight too heavy to hold. With a ruffle of his hair, he offers her a snort.

it wasn't really something she'd understand, and for how drunk he is he gets that much.

“Sure. Somethin’ like that.” He swirls his drink and glances towards Katsura. “I guess.” This should be the moment the questions stop: when Gintoki gets vague and somber, when they realize there’s a story borne of shadows and bathed in blood. They know they should stop.

But they want to know and he’s answering. He actually answered. And he owes them some truths after everything they’ve been through with Takasugi and the Shogunate and all of his secrets.

“You guess? Danna, there’s nothing wrong with killing for that, it hardly counts. I would gladly’ve killed for Aneue-”

“The Kansei - the purge.” He doesn’t it choke out, but the words come fast and raw as they tear from his throat, “I killed my sister,” Gintoki says without eye contact. That draws them all to a full stop but Gintoki's fallen into memories - the wrong memories, memories he shouldn't be stuck in but he is. His eyes drift down and dull into a rusted brown, half-lidded eyes almost falling shut if not for the visible gleam. “Then my parents, prob'ly.” The after thought tumbles from his lips, words soft and hardly audible if not for the overwhelming silence.

He chokes out a laugh that sounds too forced, as if another one could - _would_ tear his throat to shreds. _T_ _hey pushed him too far_. They’re shocked he’s breathing alright, although that’s Gintoki for you.

 _That’s Gintoki for you_.

The thought hits them all in some way. They remember all the emotional encounters they have had with the man, countable on one hand. And all had the man on the angry (desperate) side. Never on the sad side. All to do with his old sensei.

And they realize what they had asked for from such a strong yet mysterious man. Not one who lies per se, but bends the truth. Or tells such obvious lies that he isn’t trying to pass off the lie as the truth, but rather warn that they should tread lightly - no, not lightly, that they shouldn’t tread at all.

A man who, when sober, would _never_ tell them these things. But they still wanted to know. And Sougo isn’t the type to apologize and go back on his word (although, if he were to do so, it would be with Gintoki, wouldn’t it.)

Even the stronger ones of the group (they’re all strong. They’ve been through hell and back together) feel a slight tremble of mixed emotions, feel tears they thought were long dried out. Feel like saying _no stop it’s enoughenoughenough_

_We don’t want to hear anymore. You can stop._

But that’s so selfish no one voices it out loud. They just look at each other, praying for someone to just _stop this_.

Most of them expect Katsura to. He doesn’t. Instead, he’s stuck watching with eyes wide and jaw dropped, mouth half-forming words. He blinks a few times and images streak across his vision, throwing him into a different time.

Thankfully, Gintoki says no more.

But they all get hit by a wave of guilt as Gintoki takes another shot of whatever strong drink he got his hands on (why hadn’t someone cut him off before this? Shouldn’t Katsura at least have noticed the perm drink a _bit_ too much?) His eyes are still dead fish, the drunken haze still there, but somehow they’re duller than before. Sometimes, they forget that his eyes really do have a spark in more than just their closeups.

They always tried to drill into him that he should stop doing everything by himself. Because that’s what that selfish bastard does. They begged him to let them help (with anything not on the financial side because he can get too greedy,) they begged him to let him share his burden.

They never knew how far it went. Was it selfish to turn back now?

Yes. But they still want to, if only because it would let them treat Gintoki the same as they always had. And he'd like that, wouldn't he? He'd prefer that, but how can they, knowing what he had done.

Katsura's stomach rolls and bubbles up his throat, but he shoves it down and tries to stay by Gintoki. It's harder than he thought as his eyes burn and Gintoki says _nothing._ He just stares into his empty cup, doesn't even bother to refill it, hardly even blinks.

“Wh...” Shinpachi isn’t sure what word he wants to say. He isn’t sure he wants the answers, and as Gintoki’s eyes slowly drift to land on him he realizes he doesn't want to know.

Gintoki doesn't respond, he doesn't tell the kid that he doesn't want the details. But he's fallen back into reality and it steals his breath. The past may be in the past, but he had done it. He'd done it all and when he looks back into his lap the red on his hands is so bright and staining he isn't sure what to do.

In a mechanical motion, he reaches for the bottle.

“Gintoki, I’m cutting you off.” Katsura intercepts the hand and grabs the bottle. Gintoki doesn't fight, he doesn't have the strength for little more than raising his gaze. He doesn't look at Katsura's face but rather his shoulder. Listening but not focused. His hand then trembles in small yet visible shakes, making him draw it back into his lap and away from keen eyes.

“How old?” Kagura nearly whispers and Shinpachi then notices she had been silently crying and scrubbing at each new tear that forms. Obviously, she doesn’t want Gintoki to see her tears. She hardly ever does which Shinpachi couldn't really understand. Gintoki always seems to know everything, he’s acutely aware like that even if it doesn’t seem so. It can be annoying. In fact, it's quite annoying.

Of course Gintoki notices. She's sitting beside him and so he reaches out a hand. Protective, but he keeps some space and he's careful to not touch her with his hands. He'd never dirty her with his sins, he always lets her set the space. But she always does close it and would typically crawl up to him and sit in his lap in a silent comfort. If she were to chose to not do so after hearing of his sins, well, he wouldn't blame her. But it would hurt his heart, it would make it bleed out onto the floor in a pain he wouldn’t let anyone see.

She doesn't even hesitate. Like many nights where the night terrors were too much, she crawls into his lap and settles there, shuddering and hiccuping all the while (thankfully Sougo's too pensieve to care.) He wraps his arms around her protectively, careful with his hands still.

She reaches for one of his hands, grabbing it in a vice grip. Gintoki stills and pulls back at first and he can almost see that red blood seep into her skin. But she doesn't let go. He could cry, right then, and it burns behind his eyes and a sob traps his lungs in a shudder but he doesn't let it out. So, for once he doesn't fight the yato on this.

“Mm,” He hums negatively and rubs soothing circles on her arm. The form of comfort works and Kagura almost wants to ask if he’s done this before, because it works too well. Kinda like Mami.

“Your sis,” Kagura whispers and Gintoki looks down at her head of vermillion hair. He doesn't really think about it about it as his free hand messes with her hair. He removes the two cups and takes care in untangling her hair, letting it fall to her shoulders.

They won't be going home tonight and he's always been careful to not let her fall asleep with those in her hair.

“S’not important,” he mumbles lowly. They could almost be convinced that he's forgotten the conversation if not for the dark look in his eyes. Typically, Kagura would be stubborn and prod, but she hesitantly makes eye contact with Kondo and he slowly shakes his head. Since he has more knowledge than her about the whole purge thing, she obeys and just presses herself against Gintoki and the hand in her hair.

They sit in silence, broken by the separate groups, never by Gintoki. Katsura opts to watch Gintoki for the most part and chats with Kagura when he realizes she needs it.

They keep their words low and quiet enough that keeps Gintoki in reality without expecting him to join in. But the small talk is strained and their eyes don't stray from Gintoki for long.

Kagura doesn't notice Gintoki fall asleep. He's always been weird like that, sleeping in virtually any position. It makes sense when you think about it, but it's odd all the same. Him, sitting with her in his lap and falling asleep with hardly a movement other than to place his free hand on his sword.

He snores.

Kagura moves, turning to look because is he _drooling_ on her? But the movement jostles him - not awake, but it dislodges him and they haven't the chance to grab him.

He falls back. _Hard._ But while he thuds onto the ground he remains fast asleep. Most likely thanks to the alcohol. But even in such a deep sleep he winces and groans. Kagura scoots out of his lap and turns to him, gaze scanning him before a gasp falls from her lips.

Katsura's by Gintoki's side in a moment, rolling him and he finds spots of red bleeding through white fabric.

“I’ll redress his wounds,” Tae offers. She's the most sober of them all, excluding Shinpachi, of course. Katsura relents, only because he knows he can trust her and is aware that she has cared for the permed idiot many times before. They switch spots and Shinpachi covers Gintoki's other side.

In a morbid fascination, they sneak peaks as Tae and Shinpachi undress his top and shift him so the wound's visible. The glimpse old scars, ragged and lumpy. Each one holding a story they're too scared to ask about now.

The wound had opened earlier, too, they notice as they see dried blood alongside wet red. It leaks like molasses and Katsura returns with proper medical supplies.

They work in silence. Katsura helps Tae with the restitching while Shinpachi dabs at the new blood and takes care of the stained cloth. For all the movement, he doesn't wake up, hardly even twitches. Not that that surprises Katsura in the slightest.

“I apologize," Katsura breathes, eyes not leaving his old friend's face, "I shouldn’t have asked.” They all shift at that, apologies on their lips because Katsura isn't the only one that let this happen. Tae steadfastly ignores the conversation and focuses on Gintoki. She’s glad for the distraction. Shinpachi silently helps her hold Gintoki’s body up, familiar with the weight of the older man.

“We shouldn’t have asked,” Kondo adds and Sougo nods beside him. Although Kondo is aware that Sougo asked the original question, Kondo himself had started the interrogation of the male who was too drunk to function. It almost felt like dubious consent, less than that. And they feel like they violated him in ways he might never know.

They’re not sure what’s worse: Knowing all this, or knowing it without Gintoki being aware he told them.

“Just," Katsura pauses and sits back as he worries a lips between his teeth, "don’t ask about Sensei.” They ignore the sheen that appears in his eyes and the dark look he sends Gintoki’s way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably a bit OOC but I tried to stay true to them. Of course, this would only happen if Gintoki were really drunk, so that's what I made him.


	2. It'll Take More than Dango to Set this Mess Straight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gintoki figures out what happened. And he really wishes he hadn't said what he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would've been a one-shot but that would've been way too long! So here's a quick chapter two.

The next day, Gintoki wakes up with a headache that could split mountains. If his head were a mountain, he’d be worried. Thankfully, most people would say it’s denser than that, so he should be alright. But the thundering against his temples creates the sort of implosive pressure he can't function with.

“Agh,” He groans. Loudly, which just hurts his hangover more. “Shin-chi, Pat-sn,” He slurs but when he goes to roll he feels two familiar bodies on each side of him. He cracks open an eye and shuts it immediately, head spinning and nausea pooling in his gut. “Ah. _Fuck_ . Fuck’n sun.” He slowly works on opening his eyes, worried about where he is because last night is a total blur, but once he sees Katsura he sighs in relief. But then he spots the Shinsengumi and the relief turns to exhaustion. It was one of _those_ nights and apparently he drank too much. Not like that’s new or anything, but he can never be too careful with these people. “Kagura,” He groans at the tight grip on his waist.

At her name, the grip tightens and he can't help but gag, a burning travelling up his throat all too quickly. He hardly thinks before pulling himself from the girls grip. Gintoki stumbles for a moment, eyes narrow as he tries to find the restroom (and he steps on a few people but oh well) until he succeeds. Immediately he’s in there and empties his stomach, much to the dismay of his now burning throat. He groans into the basin and scrunches his nose at the acidic stench. But his stomach has calmed and, after flushing it, he can stand without worry and breathe without gagging.

When he leaves the bathroom, he notices through the window that the sun has yet to rise - someone left the light on, the idiots - and he’s somehow wide awake. With another sigh, he heads into the kitchen and seeks out any medication that may ease the pounding in his head.

“Gin-chan,” Kagura whispers from the kitchen entrance. He looks over his shoulder to see the girl standing there, still half asleep with one eye squinting.

“Go back to sleep,” He orders and looks back into the open cabinet. Nothing.

“Gin-chan...” This one is softer and Gintoki sighs as he recognizes that heartbroken tone. She had a nightmare.

“C’mon.” He closes the cabinet and scoops her into his arms. He can deal with the headache. He heads into the room full of people and spots the small tv in the back. He sets Kagura down on the empty couch (how had no one crashed there?) and pulls the tv closer to it. When he turns it on, he’s careful so the volume is hardly up and then he sits next to the girl. She bobs in and out of sleep, desperate to not fall back into a nightmare and he just shakes his head at her. He pulls her into his lap and she curls into herself so her head is in the crook of his arm and her feet rest comfortably on the couch.

“Geez, you kid, still scared of some silly nightmare,” He whispers but there’s no malice behind his words. He watches the tv as he runs fingers through her hair and whispers nonsense in her ear. She still tries to stay awake and he begins rubbing soothing circles on her arm. “Gin-chan’s here,” He whispers and her tense muscles slowly go lax. “Go ta sleep.” And slowly, thanks to Gintoki’s soothing gestures and the white noise of the tv, she relaxes in his arms. He waits for a moment until she begins to snore before he cradles her in his arms and stands up. She shifts, he waits, and after a moment she settles and he gently lays her on the couch.

“Kamui...” She mumbles with a wince and he sits on his haunches to be right by her. She twitches again.

“Gin-chan’s here,” He reminds her before slowly taking off his yukata and using it to cover her as a blanket. She snuggles into it immediately and he can't help the smile that spreads across his face. The nightmare's fading and she deserves a good nights rest. He sits there in silence, watching her face fall into a serene stillness.

Gintoki's often found himself wide awake when others would rather sleep. Most of the time, he'd wander town, sometimes he'd lay in bed and stare at the ceiling until Shinpachi would walk in the front door.

Neither are really viable in his situation. So, he picks up the abandoned medical kit and heads for the bathroom. The smell has hints of acidity but it's more of an after thought, not something Gintoki can't handle. So he takes off his black shirt, gingerly, careful as the wound stretches and the stitches pull. Alone, he allows the wince that follows as his arms raise.

Soon, the shirts off and he's looking at the mirror. He take off the bandages, slow and careful as the old blood stick and pulls at the wound. Once it's off, he cleans it. There isn't much to clean but he knows the wound opened last night. Someone cleaned it for him, but no doubt he messed it up in his tossing and turning. Typically it was Sadaharu that kept him from tearing stiches at night, and it seemed Shinpachi and Kagura tired their hand at it as well.

He cleans the area and wraps a new bandage, tight and mildly uncomfortable but it should be fine for the day. Maybe he could pull off keeping it for the next two days. And from then, he might abandon it all together (that is, if he can keep it from Tae's watchful eyes.)

Gintoki then makes his way to the kitchen and, for the rolling of his stomach, he finds himself making breakfast. Maybe to spark his appetite, or maybe because these are Zura's ingredients and therefore Gintoki can use all he wants without worrying for the meal tomorrow.

“Oh, Gin-san!” Gintoki jumps at the intrusion and almost throws the pan at the person. But when he processes the tone it could only be one person. So he doesn’t verbally respond to Shinpachi and opts to give the boy a half wave. “How long have you been up?”

“Not long.” He then peaks over his shoulder to see the boy analyzing the food. “You can get a bowl.” The boy’s eyes light up and, after some searching, he finds what he needs and gets a healthy amount of food. And a bit more, knowing full well it will be some time before he can fill up like this.

“Thanks, Gin-san,” He says but he hovers for a moment, looking around for a place to sit. He finds one at the counter but Gintoki’s back is turned, almost cold in its exclusion, so Shinpachi heads back to the quiet living room. Slowly, people drift awake and into the kitchen. Kagura is the last one as she stumbles in half awake, Gintoki’s yukata draped around her shoulders and dragging on the ground.

“Gin-chan,” She grumbles and Gintoki laughs at her before handing the young girl a large helping. “Thanks, G’n-ch’n.” She hardly gets the words out before stuffing her face and stumbling back to the couch. He chuckles at her before getting his own helping and turning everything off for the most part. As he walks into the room, he finds everyone staring at him.

“What?”

“You can cook,” Hijikata says, jaw dropped as he stares at the samurai.

“Yeah?” Gintoki then makes Kagura scoot so he can sit beside her.

“This is good, Yorozuya!” Kondo praises although he then flicks an eye to Tae. “Not as good as _Otae-san's!_ ” He goes to leap for her but she puts a hand out fast. He rams into it full force and falls back, blood spewing and tears rolling down his cheeks.

“No, I’ll let you have this one. This is good, Gin-san,” Otae says sweetly as if she _weren’t_ crushing a man’s face in her hand. Of course, they don't react at the regular occurrence.

“Gin-chan, why do I have your…?” Kagura asks as she slowly becomes lucid and feels the familiar fabric.

“You stole it from me last night,” He states blandly as he takes another bite. But the response just makes the young girl's face scrunch up, nose crinkled and brows creased.

“How’d I end up on the couch?”

“How should I know, you brat? He gives her a slight push for added effect. “Stop asking stupid questions.”

“You’re being stupid, Gin-chan!” She then pushes him back and sends him flying off the couch.

“Ouch - why you gotta hurt Gin-san? Poor Gin-san has a hangover.” He complains and rolls all over the floor in distress. He's careful and checks the wound with a light touch. He didn't land on it and it doesn't feel especially warm, so he stays where he was thrown.

“Because Gin-chan is stupid.” She states simply before continuing to eat her food.

“I’m being bullied by a brat! What would my mother say. Oh, she’d be ashamed of me!” He groans in mock distress but the entire room seems to just freeze in response. At first, he hardly notices with one arm covering his eyes and the other resting on his upset stomach. But then the silence in the room lasts longer than possible for their group - Kagura would've responded, right? Something about a spoiled brat of a son who has no shame, or something like that. Where were the retorts? So, he lowers the arm and looks at them. “Did someone die? When’s the funeral? Do I have to go?” He asks and sticks a pinky in his nose.

“No one died, Gin-san.” Tae’s words come out semi-normal but there’s an edge to them that he can’t quite place. "Although the week's just begun, you never know," she says and they all pretend they don't see the look she sends Kondo.

“The beginning of the - oh shit!” He then pops up with wide eyes. “We have a job today!” Both Shinpachi and Kagura then jump up and they are all glancing at each other. Kagura begins aggressively eating, Gintoki's hand is in his hair with one on his waist, and Shinpachi looks for the time.

“We’re gonna be late!”

“Hell no we aren’t, my sukonbu's on the line!” Kagura then shouts - once her bowl is done, of course - before almost throwing the boys out of the room. Everyone else just sweatdrops and laughs at their antics. They can hear the trio howling as they race away, almost as if last night hadn't happened. But it had.

“Never a dull moment,” Katsura says with a sagely nod.

“He doesn’t remember, does he,” Kondo sighs as what he had feared becomes reality.

What now?

* * *

Everything goes back to normal, or that's the lie they tell themselves. But when Gintoki runs into Hijikata, the smoker just scoffs but otherwise no insults are thrown. When Gintoki visits the usual dango shop, Sougo is there like usual but the plate he bought is larger than it typically is. Tae doesn’t hit him whenever he makes a comment about her cooking or her breasts, and Shinpachi doesn’t complain about cleaning. Kagura isn’t as violent towards him and he finds himself taking care of her nightmares. He thought that stage had passed but they’re nearly nightly again.

They try to act normal, but he notices. As Shinpachi is familiar, Gintoki always seems to notice.

He heads to face Sougo at the dango shop and sees the already bought plate.

“Oi, Danna,” He drawls and Gintoki hardly sits before sticking one of the sweets in his mouth. He hums in content and Sougo grabs his own. “I have a question, Danna.”

“Shoot.”

“How do you deal with it?” Gintoki pauses to swallow and think, and as he grabs another dango he flicks his eyes to the younger boy.

“You’re gonna have to be more specific.” He states as he sticks the sweet in his mouth, now looking at the boy.

“Everything.” And when a shadow comes into the boy’s eyes Gintoki knows he’s thinking about his sister. Although, he thought that him and Sougo already talked plenty about it. Gintoki just shrugs at first and chews on the treat, really thinking about a response that'll stick.

“You don’t get used to it, if that’s what you wanna hear,” He states but that just draws a nearly silent sigh from the captain. “But, you learn how to cope. In your own way.” Gintoki then raises a brow. “Why this all of a sudden?”

“No reason.”

“Bull shit.”

“Danna, there really isn’t a reason.” And Sougo tries to be sincere. But even though Gintoki sends him the blankest most dead fish gaze of the century, Sougo knows the man can read straight through him. But it only lasts a moment, then, Gintoki just shrugs and continues eating. And for that, Sougo is grateful. He’s also grateful to have found some sort of answer.

The next person Gintoki confronts is Katsura. Because Katsura will, eventually, give it to him straight. So when he runs into the man cross-dressing to get some money for his cause (really, that guy makes a fantastic woman,) Gintoki forces the man to tend to his lonesome table. Katsura sits and, to all who would see, he acts as he should although Gintoki is sure that’s just how he acts any other day.

“Oh, Gintoki, what brings you here? I’m sure the others miss Paako.” Katsura sends the permed man a suggestive look which Gintoki coolly ignores.

“Cut the crap, Zura.”

“It’s not Zura, it’s Zurako.”

“You know why I’m here.” Gintoki takes the drink Katsura poured and looks at his comrade expectantly.

“Afraid not, Gintoki.” He kicks the drink back before shaking his head at his stubborn samurai of a friend.

“Zura -”

“It’s not Zura, it’s -”

“What happened?” The second of hesitation is all Gintoki needs to know he’s right.

“Nothing.”

“Sougo said the same thing,” Gintoki coolly remarks as he sends his friend and unreadable side glance. “And I call bull shit. So what, I got drunk and did something stupid. What'd I do?” Katsura stays silent for a moment as he pours another drink. Gintoki allows the silence as he sees the confliction drift across his friends face. Really, what could he have done?

But Katsura says nothing, thoughts falling to memories on that cliff and how Gintoki needn't endure any more - he shouldn't have to. And yet, he will have to if he knows of what he said. _But_ , Katsura looks to his old friend, _he hasn't spoken about it_. Gintoki never does. And for the first time, Katsura has control over that issue. He has the chance to do this and do it right.

“You told us about your sister.”

“Hm?” Gintoki hums almost nonchalantly, almost questioningly, but Katsura knows neither of those are the case. Gintoki waited for the answer, he listened to it, and he knows exactly what Katsura said and meant. “Oh, that old tale.” He sips the drink for a moment before leaning back in the booth. “No wonder they’re acting all weird.”

“Gintoki -”

“Thanks for the drink,” He cuts the man off before standing to leave. “It’s on you.” And then he walks out. Katsura stares at his back for a moment, wanting to yell at him that, no, it _isn’t_ on him, but he doesn’t.

“ _Oh_ , is that Paako? Is she coming back to work here?”

“No, I don’t think so.”

The next day, when Gintoki runs into Hijikata, the policeman hardly scoffs.

“Oi, tax thief, no blubbering about like a fool?” Gintoki prods but Hijikata just bites down on his cigarette for a moment.

“Oh _please_.” Is his only response and Gintoki raises a brow.

“I’m not some fragile mouse, for God’s sake.” The samurai then rolls his eyes before bumping his shoulder against Hijikata’s and walking on. “You’re all being stupid.”

“Is it stupid?” Hijikata doesn’t turn around but he knows Gintoki stopped. “Kondo feels awful about it.”

“And?”

“Just thought I’d let you know.” But Gintoki really wishes Hijikata didn't say that. Because they both know why he did.

And then Gintoki runs into Sougo again, or rather, he hunts the boy down where he knew the first division head would be. Sougo doesn’t have quite the full plate, perhaps he wasn’t sure Gintoki would show up. Before Sougo opens his mouth, Gintoki speaks.

“You guys are being stupid.” And Sougo bites his tongue. “The death of a sibling is hard, but you just gotta keep moving. And when you’re ready, you deal with it.” Sougo stays still for a moment as words Gintoki had told him long before are repeated in this situation. “Really, so stupid. It’s not like you killed her.”

“But you did.” The words come out fast and Sougo feels small like he typically does when with Gintoki, although he’d never tell the man. Gintoki doesn’t move, but Sougo finds it odd that he hadn’t even picked up a single dango. “How?” He knows it’s rude to ask and the deep sigh from the older man just confirms it.

It wasn't something he could just explain. Not now, and not to Sougo. It wasn't a story Gintoki ever expected to relive - maybe he should have let Zura not tell him. But he's already confronted Sougo so he may as well get it over with.

“There are some questions we don’t have the answer for, Souchiro-kun.” And Sougo allows the older man to leave it at that - nickname included. They eat the rest of the plate mostly in contemplative silence, not awkward, that’s not how either of them are. But quiet all the same.

Gintoki heaves another heavy sigh and realizes that, for some reason, he’s the one who has to fix all of this. And for how tired he is, he finds himself at the Shinsengumi headquarters, gaining many glances from vaguely familiar people.

Surprisingly, Kondo's there and not out stalking Tae. He's training and Gintoki walks in to find him working on his swings. Alone. His face is compressed in concentration and he looks more like a gorilla than Gintoki thought possible.

"You don't train with a banana?" Gintoki asks but Kondo hardly reacts. Not like the permed samurai had expected much. Instead, Kondo continues under Gintoki's watchful eye. "Is this how all of you practice?" At that, Kondo finally stops and turns to Gintoki. He's covered in sweat and through pants he acknowledges the man's presence. Gintoki then walks further into the dojo and picks up a practice sword. He tests the weight as Kondo wipes the sweat from his brow. "Well, wanna go for a round?"

"You should still be healing," Kondo says but Gintoki just rolls his eyes.

"With that being how you practice, I think I'll be fine," Gintoki responds blandly, tauntingly. Kondo doesn't take the bait like the idiot he tends to be. Instead, he narrows his eyes at his fellow samurai before raising his sword. "Unless you chiseled away at this shinai." They both then laugh and Kondo picks up a shinai of his own. He won't use his real sword and Gintoki has already forgone his bokuto. A fair fight if they'll ever have one - although Gintoki's still injured.

They find their spots across from each other and Gintoki takes a few seconds to mess around with the sword. He swings it a few times as Kondo watches. And for the first time the Shinsengumi Chief has ever witnessed, he gets to see Gintoki test his wounds and adjust. It's an interesting thing, seeing the samurai check his swing until he no longer winces, testing his arms strength and bending his knees. He tests his range, the strength he can put into it, his limits until his stoic face hardly shifts.

All without breaking a sweat.

Kondo can't say he doesn't admire Gintoki. After all, everyone in the Shinsengumi does. And how can they not? As Hijikata had said, Gintoki could beat them all in a day - that is, if he weren't so lazy and irritating.

Once Gintoki's ready, he stills and raises his sword, leveling it with Kondo's.

No clarification is needed as Kondo takes the towel from his shoulders and tosses it in the air.

For all the sweat that should be in it, it floats in the air for a moment before falling to the ground. It lands with a soft _splat_ that, on any other occasion, Gintoki would be disgusted by.

Instead, they both move. There's a rhythm they mesh into. Kondo has seen Gintoki fight many times, but he's never really fought the man and he's glad for it. The permed samurai is sporadic and Kondo can't read him. Every swing is done precisely yet there seems to be no thought behind those wine red eyes. Instead, each movement is done on the fly. While Kondo is trained in his ways, Gintoki is the opposite, with wild yet firm footwork that throws Kondo for a loop.

They hardly match blow for blow as Gintoki seems to read all of Kondo's moves before Kondo himself knows what he will do.

It's a quick match and soon Gintoki's shinai is at Kondo's throat.

"Ippon," he says with a smirk. Kondo pants back but there's a wide smile on his face.

"You made your own style, didn't you?"

"Mm, something like that," Gintoki admits as he rests the tip of his shinai on the ground. He leans on the weapon, and while he isn't panting like Kondo, every now and then he hisses out the pain of his back. Kondo notices but he doesn't mention it, instead he grabs the _Lake Touya_ bokuto and passes it to the man.

"Yorozuya, I'm-"

"Don't," Gintoki says but his smirk hasn't left, only faltered, "not like you have anything to apologize for."

"I do," Kondo presses and picks up another towel. "I asked about Takasugi."

"That idiot?" Gintoki blinks, eyes wide and brow cocked. What did Takasugi have to do with what he said? Kondo eyes the man for a moment before sighing and leaning against his sword. Being the Commander of the Shinsengumi, he can be responsible every now and then. And this should be one of those times.

"I wanted to know if we could stop him. Without violence," Kondo says and Gintoki can't help but chuckle. It draws all attention to him as he shakes his head and laughs at the thought. Of course Kondo would want to do that, of course he doesn't want a war.

It's one thing they have in common.

"There's nothing you can do to change that," he admits with a shrug, "he's gone off the rails, that idiot." He doesn't tell Kondo who's head Takasugi is really after. That would only bring more questions, and he doesn't really have the emotional energy to deal with that can of worms. So, instead, he takes his weight off the shinai and throws it to where he had found the weapon. As he slides his bokuto in his belt, he looks back to the commander.

"I'm still sorry."

"I know," the permed man accepts with a nod, "Zura told me." Kondo then waits and Gintoki rolls his shoulders, shakes his head, and peaks at Kondo from under his fringe. "It happened forever ago, you gorilla. You honestly think it means anything now?" _Yes_ , Kondo almost says, but he doesn't. Instead, he laughs.

"You're strong," he says and Gintoki smirks, "stronger than me."

"Sure, sure. Now quit yer yapping, gorilla. I think you have some tax-thieves to run." They both then look through the dojo doors and spot all the faces peeking through. They must have seen the match, if their gaze on Gintoki is anything to go by. "You're plenty strong yourself." Kondo smiles and thanks the Yorozuya, and the smile's so wide it must hurt but it doesn't falter until Gintoki is gone, half-limping out of the barracks. Although, by the time he's in the streets, the pain has mostly subsided.

 _That was a bad idea_ , he admits with a wince, fully aware that he must have reopened something.

When Gintoki returns home, it’s empty and quiet. At first, it takes him a moment to remember Kagura had said something about Otae wanting to dress her up for some festival or another that would be coming up soon. They wanted to practice early so Otae would know what Kagura needed.

Like Kagura needs to get all dolled up at her age. But then again, that’s just the dad in him coming out - if such a part even exists, not like he's her dad or anything, that roll belongs to baldy.

Gintoki grabs a cheap bottle of sake and begins drinking in the comfort of his living room. But it’s quiet. Almost too quiet, so he drinks another cup. It crawls down his throat, burning each nerve that gets in its way and Gintoki relishes in the pain. It keeps him in the present.

It’s easier to focus on the burning of his throat than the burning of his eyes. Because he doesn’t cry. He doesn’t cry. He can’t cry, how can he? How can a demon who just howls at the heaven have any right to cry? How can a thing who’s taken so many lives feel? How can a creature who took everything important away from itself deserve anything less than what he’s feeling? _What can you protect?_

He drinks, although less than he had that night. He knows Kagura may come home tonight, but at the same time it would be so easy to keep her there. But he can’t do that, that’s too selfish. She’s having nightmares.

Because of him.

He knocks back another drink before dropping the cup and holding his head in his hands. He somehow always ends up hurting these people, doesn’t he? They don’t deserve it, they don’t. But he does.

He deserves this.

_I deserve this._

He sobs.

* * *

When Kagura and Shinpachi come home, Gintoki still has his head in his hands. His hunched form is hardly noticeable at first. The room too quiet to possibly hold that obnoxious child of a man. And yet, when Shinpachi turns on the light, the stark white object in the middle of the room is painfully obvious. At first, the two of them remain frozen. And then Kagura closes her umbrella, sets it against the wall, and slowly walks towards the samurai.

“Gin-chan?” She whispers but he should be able to hear her. The lack of response startles the two of them.

“Gin-san-”

“Sleep at the dojo tonight.” The words are soft, faint, and make the two of them almost ask if this is really their Gin-san, really the man they have come to rely upon, they have come to understand (or they thought they understood.) He doesn’t move to look at them, still hunched over and looking so lonely it hurts. It reminds Kagura of herself sitting alone on the stairs, watching her family leave as she just analyzed the pavement. It was easy to blame her wet face on the rain.

“No.” Kagura states and her resolve steels. She doesn’t hesitate when approaching him but treats him as she should, cautious for whatever he may do. He has tried to push them away before, using harsh words that could somehow hold such factual finality that he always seemed to fool them. They refuse to be fooled by that idiot ever again.

“Why would we leave you?” Shinpachi adds and slowly the two place themselves on both sides of the samurai. Not so close that he’s suffocated by them, but close enough that he knows they’re there for him. At first, he doesn’t respond, and they wouldn’t expect that of him.

Meanwhile, he just feels like he’s drowning. He tries not to show it, but he can’t breathe. _They’re too good_. And his eyes feel wet and he clenches his muscles to stop any sobs that want to physically manifest. _Not in front of them, not in front of them_. They’ve seen him hurt, sometimes even desperate, but not like this, not so close to his lowest that the cavity in his chest reaches the ends of his fingertips until they don't feel like they're a part of him. He feels like his soul could float away and they would be none the wiser.

“I’m sure that gorilla has food for you.” The words don’t come out meekly but it’s a feeble excuse for trying to push them away. They all know it’s pitiful but none of them mention it.

“Nothing edible,” Kagura says blandly and Gintoki forces a laugh. He still won't look at them.

“Gin-san, you can talk to us.” Shinpachi prods and raises a hand to touch the older man, but he hesitates, and for too long, so he just takes it back.

“Sometimes we can’t get you to shut up, yes?” Kagura tries to lighten the mood but it falls on deaf ears. He’s stuck in his depressed thoughts and they don’t know how to pull him out. They had only seen him in this sort of state once. After he had come into contact with Takasugi in the whole Benizakura incident, he withdrew in himself. Only for a day, but it was odd enough to all of them that they were worried. Through treats, they managed to draw him out of his odd shell but it took hours upon hours. It scared the duo; they didn’t know what they would do in the future.

And now they’re here and they still don’t know what to do.

“We’re your family now,” Shinpachi says slowly, recalling that he had made such a statement before. Gintoki stills, forcing his muscles to stop and his chest freezes in a new way. Shinpachi takes it as a cue to continue. “And you already know you can’t get rid of us. We’re strong, and you can’t push us away. And... you won’t hurt us.” _won’t kill us._

“We’re way stronger than Gin-chan!” Kagura repeats with a confident smile. Gintoki just laughs before leaning back against the couch. His crimson eyes seems to shine but in a dull almost brown way. But, unlike the two were expecting, there are no signs of tears. They aren’t sure if they should be worried about that so they just ignore it.

For now.

“Oh please.”

“You think you’re stronger than me, aru?” Kagura narrows her eyes at the man and he just laughs before messing up her hair.

“Whatever you want.” His eyes don’t quite crinkle, his smile isn’t quite as genuine and warm, and the tension in his jaw isn’t entirely gone, but it’s still progress.

Some time later, a month when everyone is long over the whole ordeal. When Sougo stops buying so much dango and Hijikata spits at the _lazy good-for-nothing slob_ , when Kondo gets back to happily stalking Otae who has once again started beating everyone, Gintoki tells them.

He isn’t drunk, only has a slight buzz. He’s casually drinking as they watch _Ladies Four_ on their crappy tv.

“She was two.” He doesn’t elaborate, and they don’t ask. They hardly react, except that he’s pretty sure Kagura doesn’t need to put that much pressure on his leg. And he’s pretty sure Shinpachi isn’t actually done cleaning, but the boy still joins him on the couch. They don’t say anything, but he’s happy with that.

It doesn’t stop the nightmares. It doesn’t stop him from remembering the large hand that wrapped around his one, crushing his fingers between badly wrapped metal and a muscular palm. It doesn’t stop him from remembering everything he tried to tell his sister as the man forced Gintoki to stab the girl. It doesn’t stop him from remembering how hard he cried and pleaded and how all he got in response were his parents screams and the masked man's indifference.

It doesn’t make him forget but, for the moment, for however long this moment can last, he can let himself believe that things won’t fall apart like that again. And his resolve hardens that he won’t let it happen like that again. None of them will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll probably come back and fix this up later.
> 
> Edit - Dec. 22, 2020: This should be better.


End file.
